The Shame of 2020

We have finished a year to come out on the other side nearly broken and heavyhearted.

It's difficult to recount all the things that have occurred. Many of us have lost jobs, loved ones, and our sanities due to a global pandemic. Others had to adjust to online schooling, where Zoom meetings became the new norm. Our president championed on the coattails of fear and hatred. The mighty resurgence of the Black Lives Matter movement filled our streets, with marching of protestors demanding recognition and change. We spent the holidays socially distanced, missing the old closeness.

Ultimately, life came to a screeching halt.

In the face of standing still, we were forced to slow down and reflect. Instead of leaning outward to others, we had to lean in, see ourselves, and feel the weight of loneliness.

My reflection screamed at me.

The woman returning my gaze was bleary. Her once bright smile, dimmed. Her motivation, shattered. All of the joy seemed sucked from her veins, only to be replaced by utter defeat. I struggled in acknowledging that she was me. That I was this crushed, throwing away all the work that I had invested in the previous year.

Humbling doesn't being to describe it.

But shame certainly does.

Despite how distant we were forced to be with people, I desired to hide away further. No one should witness the toll that everything had taken on me physically, emotionally, spiritually. The very thought of possible judgement or scorn sent me on another panic attack or depression spiral. My personal, swallowing hole kept growing, growing, to the point of claustrophobia. With no significant means of improving myself or my future, I simply allowed the ocean to capture me.

Why bother with anything?

What was the point?

Drowning didn't help things, however. My shame emerged as the center of my neurotic universe. Yet, being so incredibly selfish, while others labored more harshly, nurtured that emotion. I didn't believe that I deserved redemption. 

This atrocious cycle continued as the months rolled onward. Therapy sessions assisted me, but keeping up with the challenging work remained taxing. It was just easier to give up. I missed my friends. I missed my family. I missed my boyfriend, school, all the important, little things which sprouts life. I was the most isolated that I had ever been, forced to spend quality time with myself.

And I absolutely hated it.

I didn't want to be by myself. I wanted to be as far away from her as possible.

When the truth materialized, it hit deep. Shame coated my entire existence and revealed that all the work that I'd done, in just those fleeting months, hadn't actually happened. Or, at least, not to the extent that I formerly thought. I put a bandage on an open wound, turning knowing eyes away to play ignorant. I allowed shame to win because it was the most familiar path to embrace, whose steps of a dance I had long since memorized.

I couldn't pretend anymore.

If I wanted a successful, fulfilling life, then I needed to seek victory over that feeling, and thus obtain the reigns of my course.

I'm not sure who else might have endeavored against this foe in 2020. Nevertheless, I am here to let you know that you are not alone. I see you and I am with you. Honestly, it's not always comforting for me to know that others are hurting as well. It adds on to the pain.

Being altogether, though, is what will heal us.

I have come on the other side battered, but hopeful.

Yes, there is much work that needs to be done collectively and individually. We aren't as far along as most of us would like in this journey. Irregardless, I crave advancement, innovation. I want everyone to pursue their goals and reach higher. No matter what our inner demons cry out, we are invaluable. 

I'm walking into 2021 with homework. The last year stripped much of what I held dear, and somehow, here I remain. I am more capable than I ever believed. I'm not where I want to be, and that's okay.

 

My therapist has said this to me consistently during this ordeal, and I'd like to share her words. I try to cling to them when I feel buried under all those dark feelings. Hopefully they will also help in your tough times, too. She says, "In 2020, we have all faced grief. We've had to worry over having enough toilet paper and other basic necessities. We've had trauma after trauma hurled upon us. It was one of the worst years to date. If you've been able to survive to this point, I'm so proud of you. All we can do is cope, however that looks like. My goal as a therapist is to assist my patients in finding that grace to own their power and thrive. You did it. That's more than enough."

Perhaps we need to view 2020 as a pause, and 2021 as a chance to cleanse ourselves of everything that brought us down. Last year was a time of all-consuming grief, trauma, and sacrifice. Everyone lost something or someone. We have new scars, and the future is pretty hard to fathom.

 

I cling to hope that we will overcome. 

More so, with empathy and compassion, I believe a shift might finally happen.

I know that I'd love to witness it, with all of you.