Third, Final Love

Love equals pain, but there’s different ways love actually hurts you.

One is the outpouring of tears. Sadness consumes you, crunching and breaking your heart into microscopic pieces. If you’re lucky, little birds will come along and try to nibble on them — continuing the cycle of life. This love destroys you. It shows you that darkness resides around you, in others, and can tarnish your flesh. Nothing, no one, looks like they once did. You question every word, every action, every sign for sincerity. Trust is utterly broken. You feel broken — less shiny, a fruit passed ripening. Perhaps this is how Persephone felt when she became a woman, the dark lord’s wife.

For many of us, this is our first love. Our childhood fantasies of romance thrown against the wall, shattering. We stay, much longer than we should, because failure seems intolerable. Love is supposed to conquer all, right? Our beloved whispers this into our ear, caressing our thigh, only to leave a purple bruise in its wake. We can’t turn away now; we are trapped by their hollow words and crooked grin. So we stay, endure the pain, hope for change.

However, true change is almost always preceded by stillness, then chaos.

First love grabs us while we are young, inexperienced in the ways of the world — thriving in our desperation to make things work. There will be indications that the stars aren’t aligned in our union. At first, they will be easily overlooked, easily explained away. We will tell ourselves that patience, in the end, will produce the outcome we yearn for ardently. Just keep your head down, keep them happy, do whatever it takes to retain the relationship.

One morning, you’ll wake up, the sun will kiss your skin — and you’ll see. When you look in the mirror now, a ghost stares back; your original self isn’t anywhere, your shadow disappeared. You’ll look around your room, seeing things for the first time, and everything will seem odd. Where are your friends? When was the last time you spent quality time with your family? 

Who the hell are you?

This isn’t who you ever wanted to be. Someone who hides in the dusk, afraid to even speak. Impossible to even fathom if you make one wrong move, for the consequences will push you into the ocean, swirling, twisting — until you are close to drowning. How long have you been on this roller coaster? Can you last another second, minute? 

Self-love, your mysterious lifelong companion, has the answer: ‘No.’

You are forced to face a terrible reality: the person who you thought loves you, your first love, doesn’t honestly love you. At least, not unconditionally. You’ve been reprogrammed to wash off your sparkle so they can shine. Finally, your clouded vision is cleared. All this time, their empty gaze, cold touch, fake smile, manipulative words — all of it, just lies. Distractions to keep you in their grasp. You earn their so-called affections if you strip away everything. Such a beautiful reward for tossing yourself into the trash. 

Don’t accept this treatment, though. You aren’t someone who should hide, simply cast aside as if you are unworthy. Self-love aggressively screams otherwise. You deserve so much more. Life shouldn’t revolve around fear. No, no it is supposed to be full of poetic romance, challenging roads, breath-taking adventures, and self-acceptance. Your past lover tried to make you believe that this isn’t the case, yet you have the power to prove them very wrong.

The only thing that is promised in life is change; you are the master who controls where the tide turns. 

Self-love will, again, beckon you to her, consoling you as your last tears over them roll down your rosy cheeks. Hug her tightly, get lost in self-love’s comforting scent. Heed her wise advice. It will hurt, for this second type of love comes from within and will last a lifetime. You will have to dust off the dirt from the past and get dirty once more, all while forging the life you have always desired. With this love, it requires internal reflection and action. Why did you accept someone to hurt you so deeply? What is lacking in yourself, which you seek out in others? Have you been practicing daily positive activities that result in success?

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Are you happy?

The answers you find along the way will challenge your viewpoint. You might feel like a failure, a nobody — however, self-love begs to differ, urging you to keep moving forward. More tears will come, feeling overwhelmed at this growth, unsure of your abilities. Old doubts, negative thoughts fight to halt and immobilize you. Are you strong enough for this? Is it possible to move on, become better? Were they right about you? Flick those tears with one hand, then grip self-love’s hand tighter with the other. You are not alone as you rebuild yourself. Your journey is only just beginning.

Suddenly, when you least expect it, the third, final love will appear before you. Like a tornado of fresh air, you’ll get swept into a frenzy of novelty. You almost won’t know what to do with it. Scared of destroying it, you will cradle it like a child, let it rest against your chest and absorb your warmth. This love inspires further development, offering assistance and encouragement whenever needed. Your personal space is respected. Your goals are prioritized and assessed in how to accomplish them. Without being asked, your wants and needs will be considered, exceptionally valued. You won’t need to dread punishment, unnecessary lessons, ugly bullshit. Arms open wide to shower you in kisses, henceforth sweet nothings hushed in your fragile ear. You will hear how appreciated you are. It will feel so good to be needed. 

Listen to your new love’s honest praises. Forgive any setbacks you experience. Despite what you may think, this also is part of your new journey. It seems so different, refreshing. The reward you have been fiercely craving. 

Only after enduring horrible flames did I find the soothing touch of true happiness. 

‘Ahh, yes,’ self-love sighs, ‘this is finally true love.’

At long last, you feel as though you are on the right path. Everything seems to line up. Empowerment charges you forward. What will life look like now? Irrevocably you can spot those previous warnings, aware that change means that not all of it is guaranteed. Becoming a prosperous adult is learning to adapt, evolve, toughen.

The real test is somehow holding on to your softness. Staying honest to who you fundamentally are. Along the way, sometimes without even trying, that special someone will come along and answer the call your heart has been singing. Perhaps that someone will be another person, maybe you will find that love within yourself. It often seems like these two loves are very much intertwined. Whatever love that enters your life, though, I beg of you to embrace it.

No matter what has happened in your past, you are deserving of a love that completes you. 

You. Are. Worthy.